[tuesday...but LAST tuesday, November 25] so today elise texted me about going to fox and hound tonight. Of course, I accepted. It was going to just be me and her and maybe her brother…her brother didn’t come out. I haven’t hung out with her in a while and the past few months (or year) it’s pretty much always been with other people (generally her crew) so not too much serious, deep conversation. I was kind of looking forward to having some time just the two of us. Of course, fox and hound was packed being thanksgiving weekend. And of course, like last time with Kristi, she runs into high-school/old friends that we end up sitting with. But somehow the dynamic was different (meaning elise wasn’t completely occupied with catching up or talking to the old friends) and much better. I ended up chatting with her and kind of forgot about the two dudes and before too long, the two dudes were actually gone. From there, the convo got fairly serious fairly quickly and I always like getting to that point with good friends. Although I could talk about myself for a LONG time, I generally prefer to hear about others lives cuz they probably are more interesting….and I like to stay a bit of mystery. The problem with remaining a mystery is that if you ask about me, especially while drinking, I’ll spill pretty much everything…pretty much.

So we end up talking about the dating scene we’re each experiencing (or not) and life and goals and whatnot and seeing as how my shit in those arenas is a baffling, perplexing train wreck of a mystery, we ended up focusing on me. I think I came to some realization, but I think I’ve been at that point before and haven’t changed a whole lot. I’ve never arrived at this mental place with elise being the catalyst, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been there. I did feel slightly motivate to change, but that was only in the immediate aftermath. Actually DOING something is a WHOLE other step that I probably am not going to take…in fact, the biggest thing (which is something, although I probably won’t follow through on this either) I thought about while driving home was how to become a good guitar player. Not band worthy, just pick it up and impress a few random people (including myself) on random (drinking) nights. But I was temporarily committed to actually learning the instrument over time….temporarily. I’ll probably forget about that feeling by tomorrow after my workout and some soccer.

And something I’m not happy with (besides my general life and plan in life and lack of motivation to remedy either) is that I feel like I’m a burden to friends. I always sought to just be a outlet for fun and entertainment and a source of laughs and good times with friends, but it seems like those friends I get closest to just are privy to information about my life which causes them to feel sympathy, pity, (insert negative emotion) about me.

A simple answer to that is to do something with my life. An indirect answer is to get away…India? That’s right, Diwant has set something up for me that could bring me to India for a while (weeks? Months?) early next year. That was super intriguing and highly de-motivating to look for a job here. BUT, I just got an email saying there was “something suspicious” going on with the guy who’d be hiring me and his words were “don’t buy a ticket yet.” I assume it’s something trivial and not seriously affecting me or my potential plans, but when I read that it felt almost like a relief I don’t have that option. But my passport is still out there and I have no idea how to get a Visa for my trip so we’ll see how that pans out.

But the main reason I am not depressed at this moment is from an email. I have been talking with a girl from England who originally responded to my biking ad. Since then, we’ve sent numerous emails back and forth. I don’t recall the subject matter, but something following “I can’t go,” “why?,” “explanation,” and at each correspondence there seemed to be a question the other felt (or did) answer and it’s continued. And it turns out she’s into soccer which is another point of conversation besides us both wanting to bike across the US, then having the plans fall through, also she’s a runner (just found out in the last email she’s hoping to qualify for the FREAKIN’ Olympics!!!), and she’s kind of unemployed too (like me ). So that has provided a variety of things to talk about and carrying on a conversation…well, I originally included the email while typing this document in word (website was down the night I wrote this), but I felt like I’d be breaking my code of secrecy with myself. And it seems like when I break that code its because I start to feel good about the impending events; and it seems like EVERY time I mentally make that step from hoping with cautious, but anxious feelings that pretty much signals my demise. So not that I’m hoping for a “relationship” with this girl, but I don’t want to jinx it here and now so I deleted it.

So the email was a fair amount about soccer, but it just made me feel better that night (rereading a week later and it lacks the same impact). The email was completely unexpected (I actually was trying to convince myself, and was quite successful at it, the conversation had run its course) and was thinking that I’d email her again…but not until I had run my marathon or figured out for sure what I’d be doing in the spring…biking or going to India. i’m not expecting anything or hoping for anything, afterall, she lives in England, but something about our emails just puts me at ease while simultaneously exciting me a little. I guess this is just more proof that I don’t ACTUALLY need anything good going on in my life for me to be content (far from dropping the “H” word…(happy)), just something to distract my mind and make me think good things is all I need to positively alter my mood.
And my mood needed serious altering in a good way. The conversation was very serious at the bar and then the privacy of the ride back to elise’s only intensified the matter. After putting the car in park, we could have talked for quite some time, but her brother walked his gf out which provided a break in the conversation…enough for me to make it a conversation ender. Kind of like going to the bathroom while discussing serious matters with a friend at the end of a night of casual drinking…we COULD talk for hours, but the break kills the momentum and generally one party realizes the night should end. So typically (unless it’s a terrible argument I’m tired of), I’ll never break the conversation, but it was me pulling the plug tonight.

The first time I met elise I had a crush. Mainly because I was quite drunk, but there was a little more to it. Next time I saw her (I think a full year later…at my house party again), the crush had obviously vanished and didn’t seem to resurface. Then we became friends last summer and as the typical depression of winter (and my wonderful life) set in, I realized I may have another crush on her. It was hard to escape the confines of our “good friends” relationship and, consequently, I just waited it out until lack of effort helped kill whatever I was feeling. We’ve hung out alone together before and tonight the feelings weren’t much different than those other times, but I don’t think I could ever date her after tonight’s conversations. I didn’t reveal anything ridiculous or provocative or crazy or anything except feelings about my own life, but somehow I feel like she knows too much to even CONSIDER a future date…we probably were well beyond that point (at least in her mind), but now it’s nearly 100% official in my mind that this ship has sailed.

[adding this comment one week later: I don’t really know why I put that last paragraph in? it kind of fits…maybe…and I strongly considering deleting it for the actual posting, but now I don’t feel the urge]

Aggghhh…I was feeling like shit because of tonight (although I was glad we hung out….that’s irony for ya) and then was cheered up when I went to document the crappy feelings with the email. Now I conveniently reminisced about the good stuff first and then ended on another sour note…man, I suck.

If I didn’t have a hard run tomorrow, I may have had another beer during this entry. And even though I’m not drinking….”Here’s to figuring shit out and moving forward in life….one SMALL step at a time.”